Wednesday, June 7, 2017

New Equilibrium

I know I am only 7 months into this motherhood thing, and I am still a long way away from being a seasoned mom (is there such a thing?). I like to think that I am still trying to find my new balance, and that with time, I will reach that equilibrium where I could be at peace again. But in the meantime, there are so many changes in me that I did not think were possible.

I'm talking about having just 5 to 6 hours of interrupted sleep on a nightly basis and still managing to do the things I do, when I used to not be able to function with anything less than 8 hours.

I'm talking about getting by everyday knowing that I have a hundred and one things in my mind that need to be done, and always planning to have them done, only to end up barely getting any of them done. This is a big deal for the borderline-OCD me, as I used to lie in bed every night in total contentment that I have completed my tasks for the day, ready for whatever tomorrow brings. Oh, how I miss that feeling.

I'm talking about overcoming both physical and emotional exhaustion without having time to wallow in any of it, for the sake of another human being whose very survival depends on me and my sanity.

I'm talking about placing Oliver at the top priority in almost every decision I make, even if it means doing less favourable things and being less nice to people at work or people in general. I may be OK with people walking all over me once a while before, but I cannot let that happen when Oliver's benefits are at stake.

I'm talking about having my brain constantly working at maximum capacity to try to do the most in the least amount of time, all while trying desperately to maintain order (or whatever is left of it) in my life.

I'm talking about facing each day trying to catch up with Oliver's rapid developments - so much to learn and so little time, and thinking everyday how I could have done better, how I could better prepare myself for future developments, and how I still seem to always find myself playing catch up - never ahead.

I'm talking about going to work knowing I will not give 100% (something I used to pride myself on) and live with the guilt.

I'm talking about the sheer uncertainties that come inherently with motherhood, the vulnerability and inability to control any of it. Again, big deal for the borderline-OCD.

I'm talking about finding pleasure in things that I never imagined would be pleasurable - like cooking and cleaning, just by knowing that Oliver benefits from all of it.

I'm talking about shutting up my inner self-doubts (my life-long "friend") because Oliver needs a strong and assertive mother to guide and protect him.

I'm talking about learning hard to take a step back to see the bigger picture and of the kind of mother I want Oliver to have, instead of fussing about every small detail but compromising the most important thing for him - a happy and healthy environment to grow up in. Yet another challenge for this borderline-OCD.

Mostly, though, I don't have time to think about any of these.

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