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Sunday, February 21, 2010

A Belated Gong Xi Fa Cai

...to everyone...Chinese and non-Chinese alike =).

I just got back from KL this afternoon. Been a rather unpleasant day mostly because of the lack of sleep the previous night. More about that perhaps in a future proper blog post on this KL trip.

I don't even dare say how lousy I am feeling right now as the Chinese New Year holidays come to an end. You have read it so many times from me every time I return from a vacation. It has become sort of like a localised cliche to blog about post-holiday withdrawal syndromes. Localised, because I'm probably the only one who has nothing else better to blog about.

I used to have a friend like this - always complaining about having to leave his hometown and having to return to a job he hated. At that time, I didn't understand why he had to be so negative about things. Sure, I didn't love my job either. I missed my home too and I'm certain it was no less than how much he missed his home. I did whine a little but I didn't go moping around like he did to the point of being all moody even with friends like us. All that because I thought I had something to treasure in Singapore - my friendship with him and the other guys at the time. Truth be told, I did miss them a lot when I was away from Singapore.

Now that I have given up that friendship with them, I realised I am becoming like that guy who moped too much about being away from home (sorry to genuine friends who have become the unfortunate listeners to my whining!). I still love my family as much as before, so the only thing that could have changed is how much I (dis)like being back in Singapore. I realised the reason it is so much harder for me now is the fact that I no longer have anything I am affectionate for in Singapore. This in turn made me realised one thing - that guy who moped too much actually felt the way I feel now, which means he did not consider our friendship at the time to be something to appreciate, something to miss, something to look forward to. I mean I have long realised how he and the rest of the guys felt about our "friendship", but it wasn't until today I realised how bland they actually felt - just like how emotionless I feel for them now. This realisation gives me yet another level of disappointment, like so many other realisations over the past year have given me as I ponder about how the last 7 years of my life in Singapore have served me so far. No thanks to having too much time in my hands.

Don't get me wrong, though. It's not that there is absolutely nothing I would miss in Singapore. But most of those things only happened in the recent 2 years and are only beginning to blossom. They are not yet strong enough to keep me in Singapore in exchange for reuniting with my family and the higher possibility of living my choice of lifestyle. And they are certainly not enough to outweigh the 6 years of wasted time and effort I spent on something I had to constantly convince myself was worthy.

I am too emotional. I don't show it much, but I am. I wish to improve on it but the other Gemini twin is telling me that it makes me who I am, and it makes me true to people I care about.

And the bloody spoiled SingNet modem perched on my desk staring at me like a nagging aunt isn't helping the situation.

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