Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Landlady from Hell

How to tell if you're staying with a landlady from hell?
  1. She wants to add $20 on the monthly rental because you own a personal computer.
  2. She insists on following you to the telco to sign up for a broadband internet account to make sure you don't do anything funny with her residential phone line. There aren't anything funny you can do with her residential phone line.
  3. She strictly expects you to literally hand her the first month's rental at the exact moment she passes you the house keys "because the contract says so", failing which is a World War III ordeal that renders a phone call from your rental agent asking you to do so on behalf of her, just so she can avoid the confrontation with you.
  4. She gives you lengthy lectures on how to "live" in her house the first day you move in.
  5. The closet initially promised as provided as part of the room is actually half filled with her dead mother's old clothes.
  6. She wants her floor mats, pails, towels, and just about every other household items to be placed in the exact location and position, with elaborate maintenance rituals.
  7. She offers to cook dinner and says it will be ready at 7pm, and then come home with raw ingredients at 9pm.
  8. She profusely apologises to you because her nephew "accidentally" used your toilet papers in the bathroom, like those few squares of toilet papers are made of gold (maybe they are for her).
  9. She covers or wraps every single piece of household appliances, where possible, with cloths and plastic bags, and insists you do the same.
  10. She collects tissue papers from public places for home use.
  11. She cleans her stand-fans with Dettol and insists you do the same.
  12. She sets rules for her iron usage i.e. do not fill with water if ironing 5 pieces of garments or less; leave the iron air-cooled overnight before wrapping it up in a plastic bag , putting it back into its box, and then keep the box in a designated place after every single use. Just another one of her rituals.
  13. She calls the rental agent to complain about you being too quiet and staying in your room all the time.
  14. She talks too loudly on the phone.
  15. She talks too loudly.
  16. You come home one day to find the door to your room is locked. You distinctly remember you did not lock the door on your way out. You ask her to open it with the spare key that she keeps. She looks shocked to know that you do not lock your door. She is guilty as charged for sneaking into your room even when she thinks you keep your door locked, which would obviously mean you want people to keep out.
  17. After "exploring" your no-longer-private bedroom, she insists that you buy a clothes rack for yourself because your placing of those few pieces of clothes on your furniture inside your room is too untidy for her.
  18. She insists on cleaning your room for you because she thinks you don't clean it well enough. Even when you're in your room doing your own stuff, she wants you to get out so she can spend 30 bloody minutes in your room cleaning.
  19. She expects you to collect laundry water for recycling, when collecting laundry water means placing the drain hose outlet in a small scoop and transfer the water into larger pails - scoop by scoop. And it has to be water from the last rinse cycle. The antique washing machine does not have timer functions. You are supposed to have premonitions on when the washing will start its last rinse.
  20. Her washing machine is so old, it stops mid-wash almost 90% of the time, and she insists that the machine "can still be used". Until it breaks down two months into your stay and blames you for it.
  21. She spots "scratches" on the wooden door and claims you scratch the door with your fingernails. The scratches are at the far corners of the door, where you either have to squat down or tip-toe to reach. The door was made of hard wood. You do not keep long fingernails.
  22. She "notices" that the window panes have "bent" since you moved in. She blames you for being rough on the windows. The "bent" panes are made of glass. Glass don't bent. They crack.
  23. She has a private bathroom attached to her bedroom. Instead of using it and saving both of you from having to share, she uses the common bathroom, and then complain that you hog the bathroom during her "time slot".
  24. She spends one hour in the shared bathroom washing and scrubbing - everyday.
  25. A strong wind blows her hall windows closed while she is out. She tells you off for closing the windows. Having absolutely no reason to get out of your room to close the hall window aside, you explained that it was the wind. She doesn't believe you and starts telling you how the wind flows inwards and not outwards. In her world, wind blows in only one direction.
  26. You turn on her TV (for the first time) only to find out a few minutes later your show has ended, so you switched it off. She shrieks like it was World War III because she thinks turning on and off electrical appliances greatly diminishes the life-span of the appliances.
  27. She walks around in the house and use the toilet in darkness in an effort to save electricity.
  28. She goes for a week-long overseas vacation. You ask for a relative's contact number so you can contact him/her in case of emergency with the house. She distrustfully tells you that her relatives are not comfortable to give me their numbers.
  29. One year into the agony, you finally decide to move out. Your moving transport can only arrive at 11:30am. She insists that you get out of the house at 11am because she needs to leave the house at 11am. You coming back to return the house keys to her is absolutely out of the question. She doesn't trust you enough even after one year of staying together.
  30. You find out after moving out that she has been calling your rental agent once every few weeks to complain about you for not satisfying her ridiculous list of qualifications as a tenant.
  31. From her, you learn the true meaning of psychoticism, neuroticism, and OCD.
  32. *Missed out this one: She insists you open/close the doors with absolutely no sound because she "cannot stand the noise". Not even the softest thud.
Coming Up Next: Landlady from Hell - The Sequel

P/S: My current landlady is a really nice person who makes me want to be a better tenant. That's how things work, you know? You be nice to people, people be nice to you. Simple.


momok said...

OMG. Your landlady needs a life of her own.

kaioucat said...

Correction: EX Landlady! Hoorah~!

Tiffany said...

mMm....sounds familiar. I had lived with a land lady for a short while in Singapore. They are so alike! Except mine is with a nice temper and smiling face. Which is still a little better to bear with while she spends 3 hours scrubbing the bathroom since 4am and u are going to be late for class and u really need to use the toilet.By the way, Chris I don't know why. Some how Singapore have a lot of such 'landladies'. They are so stingy in everyway about their house and life style. They still rent out their room---> for money and so much trouble? Seriously,it is just plain weird. Anyway this world is full of such people. We just have to look out a bit. Take care.

kaioucat said...

Twice bitten thrice shy. I'm done with old landladies.

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